While managers may believe “candid, insightful feedback” is important, let’s hear a eulogy for the lost art of delivering feedback that inspires positive change. When did civility and empathy die? During the recent presidential campaigns in the USA? On Facebook? And even closer to home in our own public discourse and legislatures?
Reflect if you will, on whether these real-life examples would inspire performance. A colleague assigned to onboard a new employee asks them for coffee a month into the process. The recruit is expecting an informal, encouraging conversation. Instead, the colleague assesses the employee’s progress with disparaging and discouraging remarks that lead the recipient to doubt their future success. They lose self-confidence in themselves and trust in the organization. Within 3 months the individual leaves the company. In another instance, the feedback from a manager on an early draft of a workshop presentation roars into the author’s mailbox. The subordinate foresees imminent pain when the feedback opens with “this is a strongly critical email” and continues with adjectives like “troubling” and “problematic.” The subordinate’s energy and excitement for the project diminishes as does trust.
We know that other people’s perspectives count – albeit sometimes too much – but we need those perspectives to learn and grow. In 1984, Dr. David Kolb, pioneered the Experiential Learning Cycle. The cycle consists of four stages in which we act, reflect, conceive of new ideas (or modify), and experiment. Feedback from others can positively coach us through the stages of reflection, modification, and experimentation.
Warren Buffett is alleged to have said “feedback is a gift.” Digging deeper, we have discovered his actual quote is “Honesty is a very expensive gift; just don’t expect it from cheap people.”
As consultants, mentors, coaches, and advisors, we live in dread of being those “cheap people.” We want to be individuals who tell our truth while being conscious of the receiver’s state of mind, their maturity, and our relationship. We want our honesty to be well-intended with impact considered.
The mantra of Maya Angelou was that “people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” It seems to us that Ms. Angelou held the key to ensuring feedback is given and received as a gift.
How to Give Feedback
Earlier in our career we were taught the “sandwich method” of feedback. In brief, the sandwich method consists of sliding your criticism between encouraging phrases: “it’s good, it sucks, but it’s good.” Typically, in providing feedback or in conversation, the word “but” negates any of the good stuff that preceded it. Shifting towards the other end of the spectrum, Appreciative Inquiry focuses on assets and uses energizing questions to uncover existing strengths, advantages, and opportunities to grow. The hope is that the positives will overpower the negatives. Using the word “and” is encouraged as it maintains the flow of a conversation.
Let us do a deep dive on the challenges and obstacles of providing positive feedback.
How To Give Feedback So It’s a Gift
We offer five tips to deliver feedback that builds engagement instead of smashing trust. We call it “P.R.I.M.E. the pump” – an old metaphor for pouring a warm liquid into a pump to ready it for successful operation.
- Possibility: First, focus on possibility. Rather than feedback that lands as overly directive, consider questions such as “have you thought about…?” Or “what might be all the benefits of making changes/amending?
- Relationship: Do you have an existing relationship of trust and respect with the recipient? Gauge the breadth, depth, and tone of your feedback accordingly.
- Intention: Explore the underlying intent of the individual on the receiving end of your comments: What were they trying to achieve? How did they try to achieve that?
- Mitigating Emotional Involvement: There is no such thing as being “objective.” We all have conscious and unconscious biases. So put your own emotional context on the line. Ask, what is my purpose for having the conversation? What’s the greater good? The SBI model of feedback from the Centre of Creative Leadership attempts to mitigate subjectivity. Describe the Situation (S), describe the Behaviours (B) or observations you’ve made and the Impact (I) on self, others, or the organization. By focusing on specific behaviours and their consequences, this structured approach helps navigate sensitive conversations that allow for greater openness and receptivity.
- Experience level: Is the recipient seeking feedback and are they truly ready to hear feedback? Consider their level of experience and maturity and then attempt to “meet them where they’re at.” A recipient who is receptive to hearing feedback will more likely take accountability and feel more empowered to act on feedback. If you get a sense, they worked hard but missed the mark, open with “I can imagine the amount of energy you invested in this.”
Here is an exercise you can try the next time you need to provide feedback to a colleague or team member:
Example 1: The “but” approach. Imagine you are giving feedback on a colleague’s presentation. You might respond to their work like this:
- “Your introduction was clear, but your slides were too text heavy.”
- “You handled questions well, but you could have engaged the audience more.”
How does this approach feel? Does it encourage the person to build on their strengths or does it focus more on what went wrong?
Example 2: Now, let’s try the equivalent of the “yes, and” approach that lays a foundation for confidence and then suspends negative judgment.
- “Your introduction was clear and confident, and it set a solid foundation. (And) How could reducing the amount of text on the slides better showcase your key points?”
- “You handled questions well, staying calm and composed. (And) Next time, where might you create more opportunities for interaction to keep the audience engaged?”
Notice how this conversation builds on strengths while still addressing areas for improvement. Good questions can create a more positive and collaborative atmosphere, leading to actionable feedback that inspires growth and confidence.
This approach encourages a mindset of continuous improvement. It’s a great way to give feedback that feels supportive and productive while still addressing areas of development.
As we reflect on the harsh colleague or boss, we wonder why they were compelled to be instantly and resoundingly critical. Mr. Buffet cautions that honesty is an expensive gift. We believe these simple tips can produce authentic feedback that isn’t expensive at all.
Judy Fantham & Jocelyne Paul are principals with The Osborne Group and have extensive experience building highly productive relationships with a diverse range of stakeholders.
